Letting Go of Shame
Memories: The Seeds of Shame
Oglethorpe. Mediterranean. Commoradiere. These words are etched in my memory, not because of their meaning but because of the shame they brought me.
Oglethorpe: In 3rd grade, I proudly presented my Georgia State project to my mom. She took one look, grabbed her red pen, and made more marks than I had words. I had to rewrite the entire report—my chief crime was misspelling the name of the founder of the Georgia colony.
Mediterranean: In 11th grade, my world history teacher wrote "Mediterranean" in GIANT letters across the bulletin board. He said not one person had spelled it correctly on the exam, and we would retake it. The horror!
Commoradiere: On my first day at a new job at the March of Dimes, I misspelled "camaraderie" in a fundraising letter. My new boss kindly corrected me, but my cheeks burned with embarrassment.
(Readers in your 60s, remember the struggle with spelling before spellcheck and way before autocorrect?)
Even word choice can trip me up. I still mix up "lay down" and "lie down." And it wasn’t until grad school that I learned it’s "all intents and purposes," not "all intensive purposes."
The Roots of Shame
Shame often comes from expectations—others' and my own. I was an English major. I told myself I should have mastered the English language. I should know better than to make spelling and punctuation mistakes. Others would tell me, “You’re an English major; you should know how to use a comma.”
Early experiences like mine with the 3rd grade report become part of our personal narrative (“I’m a terrible speller”). When we prove ourselves true, we trigger the shame response from those early experiences.
Like most roadblocks I’ve encountered in my sixties, I’ve had to work on my automatic shame response—and it’s been surprisingly difficult.
Learning from Brené Brown
In her books The Gifts of Imperfection and Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown provides valuable insights into understanding shame. In Atlas of the Heart, in the chapter titled "Places We Go When We Fall Short," Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection."
As I write this blog, a voice in my head questions, "Why are you drawing attention to potential spelling or grammar errors?" I can attest to Brown’s "shame 1-2-3" list:
1. We all have it.
2. We’re all afraid to talk about it.
3. The less we talk about it, the more control it has over us.
#3 is why I'm writing this blog. The more I talk about it, the less control it has over me. Finding "our people" with whom we can share our shameful experiences helps us release the hold of this unhelpful response. Challenging the expectations we create for ourselves (perfection, anyone?) helps me let go.
Practical Tips for Letting Go
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. When feelings of shame arise, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Laugh lightly at yourself.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Identify and challenge the negative thoughts contributing to your shame. Are these thoughts based on facts or assumptions? Replace them with more balanced and realistic ones.
Share Your Feelings: Talk about your feelings of shame with a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or life coach. Sharing your experiences can help you gain perspective and receive support.
Focus on Growth, Not Perfection: Embrace a growth mindset. View mistakes and setbacks as opportunities for learning rather than reflections of your worth. Set realistic goals and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
Incorporating these tips into your daily life can help you gradually release shame and develop a healthier, more positive self-image. We’ve carried this shame long enough. At 63, I’m ready to dump those old tapes and move on with a lighter heart.