The Two Hardest Years of Marriage I Ever Survived
Marriage is often romanticized as a journey of unending love and companionship. But what happens when the road gets rocky? For me, the two most challenging years of marriage were not only a test of endurance but also a profound learning experience. These years taught me the value of support, communication, and the importance of seeking help when navigating life’s most challenging transitions.
The First Hardest Year: The End of My First Marriage
The last year of my first marriage was excruciatingly difficult. We had just welcomed a newborn into the world, our second child after a five-year-old, and it felt like we were living two different lives under the same roof. Our agendas diverged, our paths separated, and our demons took on new forms. The stress was high, and the pressure I put on myself to maintain the facade of a happy family was immense.
I wish I had had a better support system—an objective listener who could help me sort through the confusion. Unfortunately, most of my friends were mutual friends with my husband, and my family had a clear bias. I was also battling debilitating postpartum blues after the birth of my son, entering the year with little emotional or physical strength.
This year was especially hard because neither of us wanted to admit what was happening. Our family looked perfect from the outside. But no amount of counseling could save us from the irreconcilable differences beneath the surface. If only I had known about life coaching then—someone to listen to me, ask the tough questions, and guide me without the agenda of a family member or friend.
I felt so alone, so guilty for not being happy with what appeared to be an ideal life, and so scared to face the reality of being a single mom to such young kids.
I survived, and in retrospect, it was for the best. But the toll it took on my body, my heart, and my emotional well-being was immense. I’m sure my kids felt it, too.
The Second Hardest Year: The First Year of My Second Marriage
After 20 years of being a single parent, managing my own house, finances, and decisions, I was ready to share my life again. I married my college crush, the one who got away. But the first year of our marriage turned out to be the second hardest year of my married life.
I moved into his house, which he had lived in for over twenty years. Despite our best efforts, it was still his house. He had already decided where everything belonged, from the kitchen knives to the bedroom furniture.
Wedding 2014
Adding to the complexity, while my kids and one of his were young adults, he had a ten-year-old daughter who had been raised as an only child. The father-daughter bond was unbreakable, and their rituals and traditions were long-established. I was committed to putting their relationship above ours, which sometimes left me feeling more alone than when I was single.
To top it all off, I brought a difficult dog into the mix—a slightly demented but very smart standard poodle who could easily steal food off the kitchen counter and bark relentlessly. My husband had never had a dog as an adult, let alone one with as many issues as mine.
In retrospect, it’s almost comical that I didn’t anticipate how hard this first year would be. Everyone expects newlyweds to be blissfully happy, but the reality was that every decision required negotiation, which meant ongoing conversations and delaying what I was used to getting done in a day, not took months sometimes.
Despite knowing my new husband for 30 years, I hadn't realized how inflexible some of his idiosyncrasies could be.
I didn’t want to think I had made a mistake, and I certainly didn’t want others to believe I had regrets. So, I kept most of the challenges to myself, often acquiescing and sweeping problems under the rug. The denial and inability to acknowledge my feelings made this transition even harder.
Once we made it through that first year, things began to improve. And here we are celebrating ten years. Even though I still sometimes yearn for the independence of my single days, I also appreciate how having a companion can keep life more interesting.
Seeking Support During Life Transitions
There are different ways to end a marriage or start a new one, but I believe that seeking the help of a professional or trusted advisor before and during the transition can make all the difference. You don’t have to go through it alone.
If you're going through a similar transition, consider reaching out for support. You might want to consider a marriage counselor or spiritual advisor because ending and beginning marriages is not easy. A life coach can also provide objective listening, challenging questions, and guidance that friends and family, with their own biases, often cannot. As someone who has survived the most problematic years of marriage, I can tell you that seeking support is one way to make these challenging transitions easier.